Books I read this week 2/11/17

The Counterfeit Mistress

Author: Madeline Hunter

Series: Fairbourne's #3

Tags: Regency Romance, French, spy!, ex-army

Rating: Super Yay!

 

I have a book crush!

Check out my review here, with bonus:

  • 8 ways to tell if you have a book crush
  • Rant on third person narrative
  • Side rant on Jane Austen
  • Side rant on quoteunquote best seller novels

 


 

Gideon

Author: Jacquelyn Frank

Series: Nightwalkers #2

Tags: Paranormal Romance, demons, imprinting... 🙁

Rating: Yuck

 

UUUUUGGHHHHH. Why. Why are you so borrring?

Do you have any conflict whatsoever. No. No, you don't. You are conflictless and boring and just like the Dark series and I'm sorry that I put my faith in you to be better.

There is something about vampire (sorry, demon) stories where the male characters are just bitter old nagging great aunts in a hot man shell. Think about it. They coddle the girl, they are surprised when they do anything halfway competent, and, apparently, they just call her a mouthy female just for speaking.

Nope. Nope nope nope. 

Is there really an appeal behind Gideon? He's super old, super powerful, super stoic, super knowing, super misogynistic, and he doesn't do anything wrong. He takes everything in stride, so even the sorry excuse for conflict (he and a hot demon chick imprint on each other. Gasp! Shock! I feel so sorry for you! It must suck to have a life mate.) is null because he takes it in stride. What's the point.

Ugh, I'm gonna have to break up with you, Nightwalker series. I'm a little pissed about it, but you are too boring to bear.


 

Timeless

Author: Gail Carriger

Series: Parasol Protectorate #5

Tags: Paranormal Romance, Victorian, steampunk, dirigibles, vampires, werewolves, Egypt, dirigible-dwelling Egyptian nomads, LGBTQ friendly, humor

Rating: Super yay!

 

Aww! Another great book from the Parasol Protectorate series!

I try to explain this series to people, and it becomes one of those moments where words are leaving your mouth and you realize that they are taking on exactly the connotation that you did not mean. This series is completely, unapologetically, no-holds-barred silly. There is just no way around it. It is silly and it knows it, so everyone better get used to it. But good. So funny and entertaining! Why does silly have to be bad? Why are we all so serious all the time?

I think non-readers are sometimes under the mistake impression that reading 1) improves your mind or whatever and 2) has to be a serious venture. I feel like when I say "I read a lot" people think I am pouring over dissertations on the musings of Kant, or something. No, man! I'm reading a made up story about a werewolf and a vampire in cravats and waistcoats riding an extremely inefficient and obsolete form of air transportation!

The vampire named his dirigible Dandelion Fluff on a Spoon.

Also, dirigible. That word, which I didn't really know until reading the first book, is so incredibly silly. So many i's! It's one of those words I have to pronounce out to make sure that I am adding the right amount of i's... like Mississippi. I could mess up and still be none the wiser. Dirigibible. Diribigirigible. Dirigigigiblebleble.

It doesn't change. It was 100% silly spelled correctly, and it's just 100% silly no matter how many syllables you put it in.

I think dirigibleble sounds almost better than dirigible, now that I think about it. Something about a pentameter, I suppose...

 

I guess another reason I like paperback novels is that when I get into a story I REALLY get into it. I almost teared up when there was a plot twist. Then I'd just be crying at my desk while listening to an audiobook about vampires and werewolves and dirigibles. You know, that girl.

It's for the best that I stick with lighthearted paperback novels, and not delve any deeper into more serious books.

 

I really should get my hands on the books that I haven't read yet: #2, and #3. I think they are available on ebook at the library. Carriger also has a short series on Alexia's daughter Prudence, and another unrelated series, but those are categorized as *sighhh* YA novels. I am suspicious.


 

Beautiful Ashes

Author: Jeaniene Frost

Series: Broken Destiny #1

Tags: Paranormal Romance, Angels, Demons, Biblical References, Other Worlds, Destiny, YA

Rating: Meh.

 

Man, this main character. 

She dumb.

She real dumb.

I don't really know the exact definition of a Young Adult (YA) Novel. Does a 20 year old character count? Even if it doesn't, this has some very heavy YA themes.

  • Recently acquired powers to whine over? Check!
  • Superly angsty dark not-a-boyfriend to play a long, drawn out game of will-they-wont-they? Check!

 

Why is it that YA characters just seem so whiny to me? Yes, you have superpowers. Yes, your life has turned to shit because of some stupid prophecy you didn't learn about till just now. (Wo)man up already, and stop fucking complaining. Some people just get the fuzzy end of the lollipop, and your lollipop comes with a healthy fuzz ball of Must Save the World, so stop crying, and start problem solving already.

 

I understand an author's desire to withhold mysteries from the story in order to create suspense, but every character but the main character in this one is just so painfully secretive. This girl, Ivy, comes to find out about a new, magical reality, and her new allies only spoon feed her one fact at a time. When she asks for more, they just glare and give her some "you're not ready" answer. Of course, when she finally does learn more than one fact, she breaks down and starts whining again, so maybe that was a wise choice on these dudes that are "protecting her."

 

Maybe it's just that if I were in a similar situation (you know, when you find yourself in an alternate magical reality, like all the time), I feel like I would go into immediate Problem Solve Mode, and be like, "Tell me everything so that I will be the most help I can." No sense in crying over broken former beliefs. We got a world to save, people.

This girl is just the sort of character you see in stories like this. She freaks out and runs headlong into situations with little knowledge and a whole lotta feelingz. That is, if she is not obsessing over her not-a-boyfriend. She spends so much time in her little cloud of angsty-love, that I started to think, "yeah, he's hot, but don't you have a sister to rescue or something?"

Then she makes bonehead mistakes for the sake of the climax. I don't care what you think, lady, I would never going into a demon realm without any allies, weapons, or plan ALONE.

 

Runs headlong into situations with lots of feelings and no plan?

To which, I scoff and say inwardly with marked disdain: Psh. Griffindor.

 

I will try again with Frost. She has some vampire hunter series that is on my hold list. We will see.


 

A Mysterious Package and a Manifesto

Alllssssssoooooooo....

My sister got me a subscription to a Romance Book of the Month type package from My Guilty Pleasures Book Crate (historical romance edition), and I got my first package in the mail! It was amazing and hilarious because there was a shit ton of bonus swag for the upcoming movie 50 Shades Darker.

I am not a 50 Shades fan. And not because it's too risque or whatever. It's just. So. Badly. Written. I kinda get a bit peeved when people hear I read romance and then go "oh, so 50 Shades of Grey?" wink wink nudge nudge. No, dude! I read books that have sentences with mostly correct syntax! They have more than the average talking vocabulary! They most of the time understand the idea of consent! I mean, the books I read aren't particularly special, but shit.

Not that I'm against people who like 50 Shades. To each their own, really.

I just thought it was more than funny to get a whole bunch of 50 Shades swag in a package that I opened at my cubicle. And penis soap! Who can begrudge getting a little baggy of cute penis-shaped soaps?

The book was wrapped in tissue paper, and while I opened it, I sent a silent prayer to the heavens that is was NOT a 50 Shades book. Luckily, it's some book called Behind the Marquess's Mask. I'll read it and let y'all know what I think.

 


 

And lastly, I made a new post that is to further explain how the fuck I read so many books in a week, and why I read the books I read. I mean, besides the obvious reasons, which are 1) I like them and 2) they are ridiculous.

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