Richard Armitage: The Impressionists and Miss Marple

Richard Armitage: The Impressionists and Miss Marple

The Impressionists was on my computer for weeks before I could finally muster the courage to watch it. Why? Don’t I love glamorous pseudo-biographies of artists? Richard Armitage + Monet and friends in world-changing art progress + man-friend-lovefest. Sounds good, right?

No, and this is why:

Gah! Of all the combinations of facial hair, Monet has to have a mustache/goatee with long hair, poofy shirts, wearing pink and big funny bow ties. Oh no! The worst of it all is that Richard’s features, his large nose and strange ears, are only accentuated by the hair he has to push behind his ears and the goatee. Every time I think it couldn’t be worse, I see him push his hair behind his ears, and then I know I was wrong.

Oh no! I would open the file, and then have to close it again, laughing uncontrollably.

Well, finally, I buckled down and watched it. The Impressionists is a three part 2006 mini series by BBC that follows the lives of Monet and his friends Bazille, Renoir, Manet, Degas and Cezanne. My, so many artists to get through! The worst part of this show is it is told through an old Monet who is being interviewed after the fact, so every once in a while our adventures with the artists are interrupted by some weird old dude who gets way too excited about storytelling. "One, two, three, STROKE!" He prances around the room, not only painting in the air while telling the story, but also teaching the reporter about color and opening his eyes to the world and shit. I don’t think anybody’s talked to old Monet in a long time. I could never really get into it because of that guy.

But the artists! We rush through their lives, focusing on Monet, but even at lightning speed, it’s exciting to see their adventurous lives. Living on beans, moving from day to day, fighting against the Salon. I just love the artist life: you know when they develop a tight-knit Sex in the City type group of friends, and then they just hone their skills within their group until they all reach excellent and yet unique skills. I want that! Where is my Bloomsbury Group, man? And now I know all about Monet’s life without ever looking it up. I hate learning about history through actually reading history.

Another bad thing: his hair is fake, so things like water or direct sunlight, really make it look bad. He’s smiling!

Everyone in England is SO PALE. I also had a problem with the fact that in this movie Richard is neither evil, morose, or horribly socially inept. In fact, quite often, he’s rather jolly! I think he might be the leader of the impressionists because his is the tallest Frenchman ever.

Why does Richard never wear hats??? I might be because everyone else is so small. Here is the Triangle of Man-loveyness that also intrigued me. See: they all love each other a lot, but Bazille (far right) loves Monet best, though the one who loves Bazille is Renoir (center), though no one loves Monet more than himself. Intrigue! No, not really. They are generally amiable in the beginning, and I was interested enough to move to the second episode. Though the previews for the second episode showed this:

OH NO! Even worse than before! And also this:

Yes, Monet is bringing the pubic chin back in style. And wearing a beret? Tsk tsk. A painter wearing a flouncy shirt and beret: how much more stereotypical can you get?

Girl that I am, you know that I can’t be satisfied unless there is a romance of some sort in the mix. There isn’t for a long time, but eventually Monet has a mature relationship with a married woman who is ANNE ELIOT from Persuasion! Yay! She’s way cool. I’m glad that she is now with Richard Armitage AND Captain Wentworth. On a summer stroll:

So, I don’t know: it’s okay. But it should mostly be used for psuedo-educational purposes.

Richard was also in latest run of the Miss Marple franchise: a tv one-off called Ordeal in Innocence. As usual, Marple stumbles into a happy extended family turned suspicous gathering of backstabbing murderers. She goes to a rich house for a wedding, and new information of an old murder in the family reopens the case and all existing wounds therein. The grasping, loveless mother was killed with all of her six adopted children present, and no one really knows who it was. The mother was Jane Seymour, and barren, so obviously thats why she can’t love. Mac from Green Wing bumbles in with information that makes the supposed murderer (one of the brothers, put to death recently) innocent. The bad brother is from Torchwood. Another brother is from Blood and Chocolate, a werewolf movie much less tasty than its name. Richard is the surly husband of one of the sisters, a ex-pilot with polio who is cheating on his wife and waiting for the money. They all live in the house and are stuck there while Marple figures out the mystery. Typical procedure.

What I like about Miss Marple though is that she always makes people do a double take once she starts to solve crime. There was a point where she was like, "have you thought about this, Mr. Inspector?" And he goes. Blink. "No… Have you?" And then she starts spouting out all her character profiles, and he looks her up and down like, "who the eff are you?" Hilarious.

Richard has not much of a part, and he sits in a chair for polio a lot, so not that intriguing. Ever since the progression of his disease, he has been required to wear a big gray sweater cardigan. It’s very unimposing. Here’s "I’m yelling and I’m wearing a sweater."

However, the character is a real jackass who hates everyone in the family, so once things start to go down hill, he really enjoys it. You see him in the background yucking it up while they all suspect each other.

I called the person who did it pretty quickly. I hate it when that happens.

Bonus: I made some still of Sparkhouse because I felt bad for not making them earlier. Here they are.

He starts out like this:

Scruffy, dirty, awkward, but in a ruggedly handsome way. She doesn’t get it. Mostly because of the horrible awkwardness and the heinously bad sense of dress. Exhibit B:

She surprises him while he’s making tea, and he awkwardly munches on sausages while she talks to him. That sweater makes him lumpy in all the wrong places.

But then he gets a makeover:

Oh my god, how can you even pretend that he’s not attractive anymore? He’s tall, he built like a farmer, he likes her… HAVE YOU SEEN THE HOBBITY FELLOW??? There’s just no excuse anymore.


I’ll settle for silent and horribly awkward any day, also as it’s wrapped it that scrumptous package.

Trailers: Post Grad, Adam, District 9

Trailers: Post Grad, Adam, District 9

I’ve been wanting to  review iTunes trailers for a while now, since I watch all the latest ones, and I always have something to say. Reviewing trailers is like the candy of movie reviews: they have no substance, they are just trying to grab you, so all bets are off: you can be equally superficial and heartless for the 3 minutes they give you.

Click on the poster to go watch the trailer.

Tagline: Because we allow feelings to the mentally disabled, but only if their disease is wrapped in an incredibly gentle and attractive package.

Hugh Dancy plays a man with Asperger’s who falls in love with a normal girl. All problems ensue from his inability to read emotions. Oh, Hugh Dancy. You attractive, and yet so incredibly unthreatening man. He’s always kind of repulsed me in how unthreatening he really is; being in the Jane Austen Book Club certainly hasn’t helped. And the time when he wore leather pants in Enchanted Ella still unfortunately sticks in my mind. You can tell that they picked him for this role because what couldn’t you excuse from a sweet puppy face like that? Next movie, "Hugh Dancy: Serial Killer. A Romantic Comedy." You see how he chops people up because he just wants to be loved? Awwwww, how sweet.

The person that I met who had Asperger’s was, first of all, loud. Secondly, he was unattractive. I’d bet  the "beautiful, cosmopolitan young woman" wouldn’t have looked twice at him. Cosmo woman’s father seems to be the villian: he shakes her shoulders and cries dramatically "He’s not from our world!" Only parents in romantic comedies would be so melodramatic. I think my parents would say, "that’s kind of weird, but okay" and try valiantly to get over it. At least he’s not autistic. At least he’s gentle and attractive: the kind of non-threatening that makes almost everything strange okay.

Post Grad
GAH! This show looks scary.

Tagline: Everything we fear and loathe about graduating from college wrapped into a nice little romantic comedy to make us feel like we really are wasting our lives.

This starts out with the best of attentions. All real worries that hit many people today about graduating over-educated in a shit job market addressed in one film through a woman whose educated face has won the hearts of the women in that particular age group. Gilmore Girl is finally graduating, and in a thoroughly middle-class way. She has an overpriced education, and moves back in with her parents to find a job in Journalism. She can’t find one. Surprise. And people make her feel bad because she is unemployed.

You know what’s missing? The sentence that says EVERYONE moves back home and can’t find a job. The acknowledgement that in the real world you have to do some shitty things for a little while to gain credit, and then move into the job that you want. I cringe to think that at the end of the movie, the character will have scored a prestiguous job at a big company, will have moved out of her parents house and become self-reliant, self-actuallized with a hot boyfriend by the age of 24. This is most likely an exploitation of the fears of post grads, not a therapy session. They won’t actually make you feel okay that you haven’t yet accomplished anything.

Also, we don’t have much time to focus on the plummeting job market because she must choose between a college-friend boy and an intellectual, older next door neighbor. College boy is the Original College Myth: attractive, but not jock-y, intellectual but not gamer-y, and purely "just friends." If they liked each other enough to go out later, why haven’t they done it before? I’ll let that slide, though, because Neighbor really makes me cringe. Yeesh. Professor/father/educating through loving fantasies, anyone? I tried to figure out who the man was behind the hipster horn-rimmed glasses, but I just couldn’t get past them.

This is also a biography of my life. Private school, journalism… yes, I, too, must decide between incredibly hot man I decided to only be friends with and a similarly hot man who is much smarter than me. Woe is me. I’ll probably have to choose between two big named magazines. Can’t a girl get a break?

District 9

Tagline: Oh no, another overly serious documentary-type movie about South Africa, oppression and… Aliens? WTF?

Seriously. Aliens. It totally had me thinking it was another the Last King of Scotland, and then it was all JUST KIDDING! It’s a freaking alien movie! Apparently aliens have taken over a section of South Africa, and we are treating their rule like a infamous dictatorship rather than a invasion Independence Day-style. There is wide-populace commentary ("we just want them to go home") as well as an interview with a head alien, hilariously blurred out in manner of prison mate who doesn’t want to reveal his identity. His tenticles move just below the blur, and I ask myself, "why bother?" Probably a look at foreign policy through the metaphor of aliens.

Interesting, but I don’t know how it will hold. I suspect that they will use the SURPRISE! IT’S REALLY ALIENS hype way past it’s expiration date. Also, the movie is directed by Peter Jackson, who I have lost all respect for since he made me sit through the last half hour of Return of the King. Bloated, self-important, and really long, you say? Count me out.

One of my favorite parts of the latest Killers album is in the song "Spaceman" where he says:

You know that I was hoping
That I could leave this star-crossed world behind
But when they cut me open
Guess I changed my mind

Hilarious! The vague wish of disconnecting yourself with harsh reality pitted against actual alien abduction… um, just kidding. I’d like to go back to the harsh world again.

Our Mutual Friend

Our Mutual Friend

I can’t believe the entire movie was about stalking. Everyone stalked. In fact, it seems that the only form of love before marriage is stalking.

I never really figured out why it was called "our mutual friend" other than the serendipitous relations between all of the characters, which makes every Dickens novel "our mutual friend" and, in fact, Heroes, and every Guy Ritchie movie about stealing.

Our Mutual Friend follows a handful of couples that have to deal with stalking, deceit, and the social divide. There is a large fortune, a will in question, poor people rising up to take on riches poorly, and rich people who fall to poverty. Pretty much Dickens 101. The main character is John Roaksmith (played by the eelish Steven Mackintosh), who is heir to a large fortune on condition that he marries someone he never met. He unfortunately loses his identity when a man looking much like him is declared dead. He decides to use this opportunity to spy on his future wife, and bides his time as a clerk while deciding when to take back his fortune.

You know that part in Romantic Comedies where the guy tricks the girl as some form of test, or he lies or he continues some deception. In the end she loves him and he does some sweeping gesture, and you end up going, "aww….. Wait, wasn’t that a dick thing to do?" Like in You Got Mail, Tom Hanks all "suprise! I knew all along!" And Meg Ryan tearfully replies "I wished it was you. I wished it was you." I would probably react with hitting him over the head again and again, yelling "WHY DIDN’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME?!?!" I can’t really watch rom coms like that anymore, because endings like those always have an adverse affect on me. Sure they are together now because of the act, but doesn’t it show him to be a less deserving person, ultimately cowardly and deceptive?

Cowardly. Cowardly was on my mind the entire way through because Roaksmith’s deception was so much worse than a Rom Com. From the beginning, he should of owned up to his identity. Hiding to spy on a girl is sneaky. And then he lives with the poor people who are becoming accustomed to his wealth that was left to them. Sneaky, again. Then he falls in love with the girl, and still he wavers. People will be hurt by this decision to prolong it, John. You should own up to it now. It’s the honorable thing to do. But it goes way farther than that. Does he tell her when he wins her heart? No. When they get married? No. Now you are just being cruel. The poor people have shown that they are affected by their new wealth, so letting them keep it any longer would be a crime against them. Still no. The only reason he tells the truth is because he gets involuntarily "outed" by another guy. Bad form. When it’s all revealed, we find out that the poor people were pretending to be affected, in on this game to win over the girl’s heart to John. When I got to that part, I was surprised. I went:

*blink blink* "So, ALL of you are bitches."

She takes the information that she has been connived and deceived into a love for the man she is bound to forever by everyone she holds dear considerably calmly. I find his conduct incredibly dishonorable. Lying was a big thing back then, and he lies big time, lies to everyone’s disadvantage, lies far past the point he needs to, and we all just calmly accept it? After so long, there’s no moral reason why you would keep a secret so extensively. After a while it just becomes cowardice.

I don’t find that main guy attractive at all. He’s small and smarmy, and he doesn’t seem to have any emotion. He was funny in Lock Stock, and okay in the Underworld movies. But in this one, he’s so serious and reserved, I don’t believe anything that he says. And then when he shows emotion, I don’t believe that. I was hoping for a Dexter-like pay off (emotions are so good because he shows them so rarely) but I ended up just wondering if it was another game.

And then there was the love triangle. Clearly, this situation is saying that it’s only stalking when you are poor and you do it badly. I have never been attracted to David "Kicked Puppy" Morrissey, but I never knew how not attracted to him I could be. At first glance he’s all pale and chubby, which sets off his ugly nose in an unattractive light. And then he starts coughing and shaking, and screaming, and he’s pretty much gone. I will never think of him as "Poor man’s Liam Neeson" again, though I don’t find Neeson particularly attractive either.

The other suitor, Paul McGann, is related to an interesting coincidence I had a little while ago. I was watching The Grand (fanTASTic show) and the main guy Bad Brother looked so freaking familiar. I couldn’t figure it out; as cool as he was on The Grand, I kept on mentally seeing him scream in a high pitched voice with ugly, long red hair. It took me so long to figure it out: turns out he’s the older brother of Paul McGann, both of them looking so similar that I mistook the older brother for the younger one. And Paul was in Three Musketeers. You remember that weird guy D’ Artangnan fought at the beginning who screams "D’ArtanGNAN!" in a very unattractive way? That’s him. Yeesh. I was so amazed. Smooth, quiet, small Eugene Wrayburn with the silky voice is that guy? These McGann brothers, who make me think I’m not attracted to them, and then seduce me to the point where I kind of am. Paul has a mustache just this side of ridiculous, but it brings out his eyes, which are a startling blue. He also has windswept, Edward Cullen-like hair, strange for the time. I spent a lot of time going, "maybe… but altogether too much hair."

Paul and David are both infatuated with the same girl who is dirt poor and way below both of them. If you didn’t think stalking was part of the story before, David proves it by being so crazy and so unlikeable and so follow-y that you can only label him as stalker. I don’t sympathize with either man (I don’t sympathize with any man in this show), but I like how Eugene Wrayburn goades David’s character. Eugene is a rich gentlemen eternally bored, and Bradley Headstone is a poor tudor, obsessed with the idea that Eugene is reason the girl they both like rejected him. Bradley follows Eugene everywhere, and Eugene decides to make a game of it because he’s bored. He takes Bradley all over town, makes him think he’s lost him, drives him nuts, then passes him without saying a word as if he didn’t even notice him there. Fantastic. Also, good idea of goading a crazy person.

I’ve been watching too many books written by women. With North and South, and Austen always in the back of my mind, I can’t help but look at the men in this show and be disgusted by them. They don’t do anything.  They don’t prove their love, show themselves to be good people, do anything other than watch, expostulate their love, and then get angry when the woman does the completely sensible "WTF?" There is clear disfunction in the way that love is handled in this era. Apparently, love is some one-sided fever closely related to lust, that is supposed to be kept silent till it builds and builds and then just has to be let out. Of course the woman doesn’t love him then, because when was she supposed to find out? Why does a woman’s first inkling of love have to be when the man proposes marriage?

I’m a true Janeite when I say that love is all very good, but what bothers me most is that no one proves themselves to be "good people." There’s no communication of that kind, and, in fact, I don’t think they are. Not men, at least, in Dickens’ world. The movie ended and I wasn’t sure if anyone showed themself to be other than a truely selfish being. I wouldn’t settle for marriage until I saw something of compassion in the other person. I resent the fact that a man has to be hit over the head and almost drowned in the river before he can come anywhere near good.

That’s why Austen and North and South are so refreshing. They show truely able men, who are trying to be good, and doing somethiing about it. They aren’t saints, sure, but they show some semblence of compassion and seem to want to show more. They are also physically able, they do stuff. Yay for actually doing other things than sitting on your ass. The nerve of these men, who spend a month looking at you strangely and then drop this bombshell of "oh by the way I love you" on you, then rage when you refuse them. What have you done to show me I could like you any way? Am I supposed to just accept the proposal, not knowing what kind of man you are or even if I like you? Talking to me every once in a while would be a good start, though I also wouldn’t turn down a sweeping gesture of a concrete act that accurately portrays your ability to be compassionate and your devotion to me. Those are nice. I’ve got a sister who’s a hussy….

North and South

North and South

I am sad to say I had absolutely no idea of the existence of this mini series and book before a few weeks ago. Imagine my surprise, when tooling around Netflix, to find a movie manifestation of the logical equation Pride and Prejudice + Bronteesque North Country + Cotton Mills and Industrial Age = everything that I love wrapped into one.

What an awesome show. Middle Class girl from sunny, Austenesque Southern England, leaves with her family to go to Milton, a Northern Industrialized town whose main profit is factory work. She meets John Thornton, an mill owner, who is a hard working, no frills, self-made man. Their difference of opinion creates an electric atmosphere, and is fuel for many drawing room debates. Of course, he loves her.

This guy Thornton, though, is a little intense. The first moment we see him, he is running full speed to catch an employee who was breaking the rule of not smoking. He beats up the employee right in front of sweet, sheltered female love interest. Hilarious! Meet your love interest, sir! She will never love you for this. You are an asshole!

It doesn’t help that the guy who plays Thornton later goes on to play someone not only quiet, sullen, and emoingly loving from a far, but actually evil. It’s Guy of Gisbourne from Robin Hood. Oh, Guy! I’m so surprised to see you here, or anywhere, and you are so severe looking. Sneering is definitely a professional sport to this guy. And yet he is the main guy. Here he is sneering and loving.

I have become very admiring of his nose. It is just so interesting from so many angles: straight profile, bumpy forward, long and thin, and a great sneering droop at the end. Thems British gots good noses. I will add him to my list of favorite noses, which include Mark Strong, and Julian Sands from Room with a View.
This is Mark Strong from Stardust and RocknRolla. The second one is not that flattering, but I love the nose/bridge/eyebrow combination.

There’s also Julian Sands, whose nose is better than the creepy people he plays.

  Oh, the sneering that man Thornton is capable of! The story is textbook P&P. We have our pride, our prejudice, our misunderstandings. Every time I say things like, "this is the part they go to the Lakes" they do! Poor bitch proposes at the end of episode two, with two episodes to spare. They have a heated tet e tet, and he storms out, very much like tape one of P&P A&E. We even have the motley crew of side characters, mostly living with Thornton instead of the girl. We have our silly Miss Bingley, our Lady Catherine De Bourgh and Mrs. Bennet wrapped into one. The mom, Mrs. Thornton, is the best: she’s this singleminded, old-world Northern woman; Mrs. Bennet if she were made of wrought iron and eats small children for breakfast. She has this one track mind of making her son into a tradesman, and judges everyone else accordingly. She’s clinging, and unfeeling, and scary as hell, but also she cares deeply for her son, and expresses true emotion when she possibly can spare it. You learn to love their relationship.

A typical cheery mother-son talk. I would be really scared to, but I extra want to be her friend.

Even though the stories so similar, I laugh to think of Elizabeth looking out of the Thornton household, which sits right in the middle of the bustling, ugly, loud cotton mill, and thinking "and of all this, I could be mistress!" Surely, the expression would take a different meaning.

Thornton does all the typical Darcy things, but with a degree of marked disdain. He looks out windows, rests on mantles, judges wrongly, and also helps her selflessly from social ridicule. But you learn that the sneer he always has is strangely without pretention like Darcy’s is. You get the idea that is just how his face is made. Out of everyone in the show, he is the easiest to read. Just imagine his sneer as an expression of ever-enduring love, and you’ve pretty much got it. At one point someone asks, "have you heard what they are saying about Margeret?" and he says pointedly, "I don’t care, and neither should you." Then he walks upstairs, looks out the window and goes:

"Grrrrrr. I sooo care……"

He so cares a lot.

And his squishiness abounds! Not only is it a story about strikes, but it is the most congenial strike story ever told. The strike ends badly, and people are hurt, but when do you hear about the boss ever later making friends with the strike ringleader, teaching the man’s son to read, and building a helpful stew house together? Hilarious! Pretty soon, he’s sitting down with his workers in a lets-all-hold-hands communist way. Oh, the things men do for women. Like grow hearts and make friends with poor people.

I have to put the Thornton/Margaret relationship side by side with Darcy/Elizabeth. Though I feel great allegiance to the second, I find this version refreshing. When Thornton proposes, he is not blinded by his own self-conceit; he doesn’t put forth his feelings in that horrible, demeaning way that Darcy does. And Margaret is not quite so mean as Elizabeth. Elizabeth and Darcy are both masters of the drawing room debate, they are incredibly intelligent and witty, and it’s fantastic to watch them spar. But they are also consumed with themselves, and unaware of outside circumstances to a fault. It’s nice to see two people who actually see a bit of the other side, no matter how little. It feels more… real.

I’ve decided to buy the book first chance I get. I’m excited about it most of all because the one thing I couldn’t understand in this movie is what Margaret is thinking. Isn’t that strange? She’s only the protagonist. But the woman who plays her has this damn blank expression, so when she looks at Thornton, I think "she must like him. No, wait, that can’t be right. Is she angry? Sad? Sleepy?" until I finally give up and settle on nothing.

And why is Thornton always in a state of undress? He’s always undoing his bowtie, rolling up his sleeves, even in the prescence of ladies. He’s the only one walking around outside hatless. One time he picks his hat up, and then puts it back down. They probably think he looks stupid in his hat, which is a top hat, and sadly, I have to concur. Not that I’m complaining. Mmm, glimpses of arms and throat are possibly the closest to sex we’ll get in a period drama. Here he is emoing it out while Mr. Bell tries to tell him not to be a dick about Margaret. The stance he is in is either "I don’t want to speak to you" or "I shall dance away my troubles in a box similar to a go-go cage."

You know that part in P&P where they are getting married, and Darcy smiles big for the first time, and it kind of ruins the whole movie for you? That doesn’t happen here. Severe Thornton has at most small sheepish smile throughout the movie, and at the end his smile progresses to a little bigger and a little sleepy with contentedness. At the end she’s all "I am trying to keep face and be civil," and he’s all "shut up already." It is so cute.

This movie makes me love it, and also makes me consider rewatching Robin Hood with more reverance. He’s incredibly sexy here, not bogged down with too much leather, long hair, and eye liner as he is in the British series. Though I’m not used to the Victorian garb. Every once in a while I look at his bowtie and remember that quote I heard first from a Woody Allen film.

"It’s the truth that you should never trust anybody who wears a bow tie. Cravat’s supposed to point down to accentuate the genitals. Why’d you wanna trust somebody whose tie points out to accentuate his ears?"

Underworld 2 Part 2

I was so excited about all the questions I had about that movie, I missed a few important points.

In some vampire lore, a vampire can’t drink other vamp’s blood. It tastes bad, or it’s a like a double wammy virus, or whatever. I like to think of it as a safeguard against incest, like web toes or large heads in our own species. Not so in this story. The blood-cest runs rampant. The main bad guy Marcus just woke up and he wants to know what’s going on, so he bites nearly every big vampire, because biting transfers memories (like STDs). Traitor Craven is cornered by Marcus, and he’s like, "dude, I’ll tell you everything" and Marcus is like, "why bother? I have another way much sweeter." And then he bites him.

I call BS. In the first movie we find out that "memories not organized by an experienced elder" can be hurtful to the receiver. You get a whole bunch of garbled images in your brain. But Marcus is bite frenzy. In fact, there’s a whole lot of biting that goes on between non humans. Marcus bites Craven, Seline, twitchy information guy, Seline bites Immortal father guy, Michael bites Seline. Can’t someone feed on a human already?

Let me put down a scenario for you. You are sexy, sultry vampire chick full of pent up rage, and you are finally alone with your main hottie, a Ultimate Predator that combines only the best parts of two murderous superbeings in one sleek black body that is TOTALLY into you. Would you really peel you clothes off slowly to an orchestra of strings? What freaking pussies. Where are those predatorial instincts? It’s about five minutes of puppy sex, and half way through I was like, "are you guys even vampires?" Totally shot awkwardly, by the way. There’s good slo-mo sex scenes, and then there’s just awkward ones. I understand open mouths and slow-mo thrusting, but did we really have to look at her pelvic area swivel? What a money-shot. We were just that close to seeing where they join.

We already know that Michael is not that smart. Seconds after Seline hands him a packet of blood and says he can never eat normal food again, he goes out to a bar and eats a big plate of onions and potatoes. Bad, bad Michael. But there’s something endearing in his relationship with Seline. In the way that he has no idea what he’s doing, and really, he doesn’t much care. He just wants to hang out with Seline, and protect her, and get fed little doggie treats every once in a while. And Seline is usually, "watch the back door, Michael. Stay, Michael. Sick him, Michael." It’s Seline’s job to figure out the mystery. It’s Michaels to go berserko on whatever Werewolfy bad guy is around. Every time a bad guy is all, "you suck Seline," I want her to say, "be nice or I’ll have my super hot hybrid boyfriend/pet kick your ass."

I extra want one. He’d be like "what’s going on?" and I’d be like, "shhh, baby. Go get me a soda." He would use his hybrid power to open non-twist off beer bottles. For me. I’d be like, "how do you feel about the social implications about being the first hybrid of two species that have been waring for thousands of years?" and he’d be like, "wha..? Uh, I just want to be near you." And then curl up at my feet.