Side Rant: Dreams are Lame
I would like a refund on my dreams, please.
I had a dream about this guy, Dan Stevens, the dude who was in Downton Abbey. It was incredibly lame. You would think if my brain puts the energy into conjuring up a dream of an encounter with a celebrity, it would not be such a waste of time.
It went like this, dramatized for your pleasure.
I walk into a gas station.
Inner monologue: Hm, hm, I’m going to get a cookie… (in a singsong voice)
Dan Stevens, perusing magazines in the same gas station, in a stodgy British accent: That short woman appears to be struggling quite hard to reach something on top of that kiosk. Oh yes, it appears to be… a cookie.
Me: I think I’ll get two cookies…. almost got it… yes! OMG they are huge.
Dan: Does that woman realize those cookies are the size of her head?
I catch him staring at me. He raises an eyebrow. I look at my cookies.
Me: Maybe two cookies are too much. I guess I’ll put one back.
Dan Steven blatantly stares while I struggle to put one of the cookies away. Since I can’t reach box, I come up with a strange idea to put away one. First, I put one of the cookies on top of the dirty kiosk, then I reach really hard to grab the display box. I put away the cookie in my hand into the display box, struggle to put the display box on top of the kiosk, then struggle to grab the cookie that was on the dirty kiosk. I hold my hard won prize in my hand, smiling proudly.
I look up and see him watching. He lifts the other eyebrow.
Me, annoyed, inwardly: Shut up, Matthew from Downton Abbey. Like you are so cool. There was a whole season where everyone asked you if your penis was working.
Triumphant, I walk away and buy a cookie at a gas station.
Air Bound, Earth Bound
Author: Christine Feehan
Series: Sea Haven/ Sisters of the Heart #3, #4
Tags: Paranormal Romance, supersoldiers, elemental superpowers, psychic links
These are both almost exactly the same, so I thought I’d rate them at the same time.
I have already talked about this series a bit when I broke up with the other series Christine Feehan writes, the Dark Series. It’s funny because every book is exactly the same. In each book, one of the seven brothers of a family of Russian supersoldiers finds himself in a small town in California, falls in love, and stays.
You’d think they would just start putting up gates or something.
By the fourth book, there are five supersoldier brothers living in Sea Haven, four of which all live on the same farm. There are only two single girls left on the farm, and two brothers MIA. I’ll give you three guesses to what happens in the next two books.
This is basically Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, complete with shakey definitions of consent.
Feehan, God bless her, is not so great on the character development. From reading this series and some of the Dark Series I have come to expect that even when they are outwardly different, all her characters sound and act the same. So why not just stick with one archetype? Supersoldier is as good as any. It’s a pretty easy archetype to write. I mean, basically, his whole character trait is “bad ass.”
So what’s the difference between brother in #1 and brother in #2? Bad Asser.
And #4? Even More Bad Asseriest.
In #4, they take down a cult that has been haranguing one the girls. Which is funny, cuz, hmmm, aren’t y’all starting your own compound anyway? Six pairs of adults living on one farm, pooling resources, hiding guns in every corner, and using absolutely no birth control? Yep, that sounds about right.
I enjoy these for some reason, though they are so high on the melodrama and take themselves much too seriously. I had a very sobering, strange thought, though, while reading this:
Though I find overbearing ultra-masculine men typically found in Romance novels somewhat endearing in a “in fiction but not in real life” sort of way, I realized if they were real, these gun toting, pushy, white men… probably would have voted for Trump.
TOTAL boner killer.
Behind the Marquess’s Mask
Author: Kristen McLean
Series: Lords of Whitehall #1
Tags: Regency Romance, spies!, costumes!, SUBTERFUGE!
Format: paper book!
This is the book I got from my Romance of the Month Club. It’s signed by the author! Woohoo! I have never heard of the author, or read any of her books, and probably won’t again, but awesome!
It was fun. The writing’s not super great, and the plot is a little convoluted but who cares! Spies! Danger! SUBTERFUGE!
Subterfuge is the greatest word, isn’t it? Because I love to look up words, I’ll tell you that the definition is “deceit used in order to achieve one’s goal” and it comes from the latin subter (“beneath”) + fugere (“to flee”)! Or, in other words, to underflee! Thanks, Google Search!
(Note: underflee is not an actual thing. Subterfugere is early Latin meaning “to flee secretly.”)
I have some questions about the plot that will probably not be answered because of the time we spent on underfleeing. Why did he lie to her about them being childhood friends? Why does it matter that he did? Why were they friends? What brought them together?
It captured my attention with the tension between the two characters. I have a weakness for those heroes that tear themselves up with love for the female protagonist.
“No! I’m not worthy! Go, and save yourself from me!” He says, as he flings his arm over his eyes, falls back onto the settee, and stays there for days, wallowing in self pity.
Something like that. I ain’t picky.
The only other book I might be tempted to read would be the one about Saint Brides, who is the No-Fun Upstanding Citizen Guy in the boy band type Mickey Mouse Roll Call of archetypes. Buuuut, the writing’s not so stellar, so it might not be worth it.
Author: Yasmine Galenorn
Series: Otherworld #1
Tags: Urban Fantasy, Paranormal Romance, witches, shifters, vampires, other worlds, super cops, dragons
I wouldn’t particularly call it a romance, since there isn’t “a romance” in it. Sex, yes. But the whole get-together thing is somewhat missing.
Is this a trend in Urban Fantasy? The main character (of this book anyway) is what my sister calls Candy Tits. As in, “guys flock after her as if her tits are made of candy or something.”
I’ve seen this before. The story is not optimal for a get-together romance, so the author just throws in a few dudes to make smoldering eyes at the lady heroine. There’s a few charged moments, perhaps a passing encounter, and then it’s business as usual for the heroine.
Camille has three love interests in this book. It looks like she continues to have them all dancing attendance on her. Her sisters both kind of have one each, but they are secondary to the plot. Mostly, it’s go go go with action and mystery and fairy politics.
The book starts in the middle of a mystery, and just keeps going. No long set up, or in depth character development, which could be a good or a bad thing, depending how you feel about it. An ensemble cast that picks up more characters on the way, like Wizard of Oz.
Oh, of course we have more room in our merry band! Come along!
Most of the characters I felt pretty meh about except ERMERGERRD BABY GARGOYLE. They have a baby gargoyle named Maggie who sleeps in a shoebox and makes little gurgling sounds and OMG I WANT ONE.
There are more books from the series in OverDrive buuuuut…. Is a baby gargoyle enough to keep me reading? No, probably not. Oh well.
One Eyed Dukes are Wild
Author: Megan Frampton
Series: Dukes Behaving Badly #3
Tags: Regency Romance, lady writer, Dukes! Eyepatches!!!
Format: paper book!
I love how this author said to herself, “Eyepatches. Dukes. Go.” And then just did it.
I have a vague ambition to make a Romance Novel Plot Generator, and have been gathering plot devices for a while. I didn’t even THINK of eyepatches! Silly me!
I thoroughly enjoyed it. The duke is a stick-in-the-mud overly proper type character, and adorably awkward. He and the heroine choose to do “improper” things, which turn out to be a long list of innocuous activities having nothing to do with sex. The amount of sex they do not have is quite astounding. Heavy on tension, and heavy on silliness. It was a fun ride.